Soap Lessons

You can learn by watching soaps. So I'll be posting little tips here and there when the mood strikes me.
 
1. If a crazy bitch laughs while you're ripping up a piece of paper you better grab the pieces and put them back together since something is up. If Natalie had done that maybe she'd find out that John's the father instead of having to rely on Gigi listening to that tape since the tapes were mislabeled.
  
2. Don't be quick to spill to the new Reverend in town since he might be a fake. It wouldn't hurt to do a background check including a picture since he could be a killer that stepped into the poor bastard's shoes and is the one that killed your husband.
 
3. If your name doesn't rhyme with anything else chances are very good that you won't have an alter although Viki has Jean which means you're not completely safe but a lot better than those with rhyming names like Jess and Viki.
 
4. Even a complete moron can have a thought that turns out to be right. Congrats Joey you showed signs of having a brain. Don't strain yourself.
 
Doppelganger Tips

1. Make sure the person is the same height and build.
 
2. If you aren't a fan of children make sure the person doesn't have any since that's one less thing to worry about.
  
3. Make sure to have a minion after all you can't hold the person captive all by yourself. You might want to keep them around just in case you need to pump them for info.
 
4. Study, study, study before becoming the person after all it isn't going to be easy to fool everyone unless everyone is stupid.
 
5. If possible work an accident into things so you can blame that for your strange behavior.

Dear Diary
  
I never thought I'd see the day when I found myself face to face with my double but there she was looking exactly like me. She must be totally insane. Why would someone want to look like me? It can't be an easy process since there's the surgery. I'm sure she had to eat a lot of chocolate so she'd weigh the same as me. Crap I should ask my captor's minion to give me some chocolate.
 
I guess it isn't so bad. This place looks so much like my basement. I even have a computer to use. Of course I can't send out any messages for help although I have tried. It is times like this when I wish I wasn't such a technotard. Maybe I could teach myself but I'm sure that minion whose name I don't know is watching my every move. I hope to send this out to the blogoverse to see if anyone can figure out that I'm me and that the me that everyone sees isn't me.
 
I just don't know why anyone would want to become me. It puzzles me. I'm not rich. I'm homely and I have this weird comma phobia. I don't know where it came from but I don't think my doppelganger knows about it so that's going to be the way to catch this bitch. She'll write something and without even thinking about it she'll give herself away by using a comma that I would never use. I only use them for lists since I really don't give them much thought in other circumstances. Yes I'm counting on the comma phobia to save me. Oh Jack please notice the difference. Her ass is so much bigger than mine.

1. If you're going to become a hooker you might want to get another phone where people can call and arrange a booty call. It isn't good when your wife ends up answering your phone only to get a strange call. You might want to make up cards with an email address to avoid that awkwardness.
 
2. Be careful about where you go since you don't want to run into someone hooker related when you're out with your wife.
 
3. Sure breaking things is fun but you might want to avoid trying to call out the guy who tried shooting you, lured your teenage daughter out to meet him, and is responsible for your sister being in the hospital.
 
4. If you don't want to get anyone pregnant use a condom unless you feel like populating the planet.

1. If you keep seeing your dead mother you might want to test the gun before framing someone for the murder of your twin brother.
 
2. If you want to frame someone for the murder you think you committed go with the guy that tortured you for years instead of the brother of the woman whose husband you might have killed.
 
3. Think things through before doing anything because that will bite you on the ass big time.
 
4. When your son wakes up from a coma just tell him that everyone has gained weight in a very lame attempt to hide the fact that he's going to be a daddy. 

1. You can marry the man you're covering for the second you get out of prison. Run to the courthouse so you won't have to testify against him.

2. Knowledge is power after all you never know when you might need to spring someone from prison to wreak havoc with another person's life because you want your son with a certain woman. 

1. If you're going to follow someone as backup make sure to turn off your cellphone.
  
2. Computer skills are handy just in case you might need to hack into a person's email account.
 
3. If you're wanted by the police because you've been set up and don't want to leave town always make sure to wear a hood and sunglasses so no one knows who you are after all cops in soaps are always pretty dumb.
  
4. Make a fist and think about the reason why you're kissing the man who killed your husband even though you feel like strangling him.
 
5. Don't talk to yourself in public because someone might overhear you.
1. Go for the interview anyway even if you have no idea what the name of the company is. Just as long as they aren't asking for money up front.
 
2. People can look bad after staying up all night so don't always assume the person has been drowning their woes.
  
3. Watch your mouth since you just might put your foot in it like calling the person you're supposed to be meeting a bitch because you think she's just the hostess.
 
4. If you forget your phone you could miss out on your husband giving you a heads up about your stepfather/second cousin getting arrested.

1. Just because a man is old doesn't mean he can't be a serial killer.
  
2. Take a person seriously if they tell you who the serial killer is.
 
3. Always check for a camera since the serial killer that's playing games with you just might be watching.
 
4. Cops are stupid so it is unlikely that they will be any help at all.
 
5. Sadly hitting a serial killer on the head with a rock is very unlikely to kill him. Try something more lethal or you could go with pepper spray although that might not work if he has glasses.

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1. If you rescue something that's being held captive in the basement and the guy comes back don't get into his car to hide.
 
2. If you do the above make sure to get away after you crash the car after all the bad guy has a knack for not getting hurt like he's supposed to.
 
3. Don't turn your back on a psycho since that's a good way to get shot.
 
4. Some people get turned on when you tell them to shut up.
 
5. Always lock the door of the room where you have someone all tied up.

1. Your boyfriend might be gay if he gives you presents and wants you to move in but doesn't try to make the moves on you.
 
2. Saffron doesn't do anything when you're cooking so don't waste your money.
 
3. Be aware of your surroundings before talking since a enemy might be listening to your conversation.
 
4. A massage is awesome but try to avoid doing it when you're supposed to be at work since you might end up getting yelled at by your  boss.
 
5. Seeing your mom cheat with another man especially one who raped her can cause you to go a bit crazy.

1. If you're going to confess to killing someone make sure you avoid doing it at the funeral of the person especially if the kid is right there hearing every word.
 
2. Just shave already. Not many men look good with beads. Actually it can make you look downright silly.
 
3. Butt the hell out and respect a spouse's decision when it comes to her husband even if you don't agree with it.
 
4. Knock before entering a locker room since you might end up finding someone in a towel that you end up talking to. Not a bad thing really when you think about it.
 
5. Don't have sex with someone that suffers from DID because that's jut a recipe for disaster especially if the alter loses control and the person finds herself doing something that she normally wouldn't be doing.
 
6. It is ridiculously easy to sneak a gun into a courtroom. That makes things really easy if you want to get revenge for the deaths of your grandchild and her father. Of course it helps to know who the right person is first because you might end up killing the wrong person.
 
1. If you're trapped under a wardrobe don't mention that when you're getting a call for help.